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Mankind's Last Throes
Posted April 25, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Well you stop posting for a few days and you nearly miss the end of the world. Frankly, I knew this would happen which is why I installed a $5,000 Aether Monitoring Station on my roof to alert me to any apocalyptic oversights. This morning it was beeping off the charts so I fired up the Drudge Report to see what was the matter.
HOLY SHIT IT'S ALL OVER NOW, MEXICO DISEASE IS FINALLY SPREADING, THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, IT'S A
Oh wait it says NOT closing the borders...well what the hell ever.
THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, 20 CONFIRMED DEATHS OVER THE SPAN OF WEEKS, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD I'M LOCKED AND LOADED AND JUST LIT MY GAS MOAT ON FIRE TRY TO GET GET THROUGH IT YOU SONS OF BITCHES JUST TRY IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
So then I scroll down a bit and find that's not all. In fact I'm pretty sure the Seven Last Plagues are starting right here, right now. #1 is of course the Mexican Pig Flu. #2 is the Cornflaker Virus starting to attack our computers, probably perpetrated by the known devil-worshipers at Kellogg's.
#3 is global warming floods destroying igloos and forcing an Eskimo village of 300 people to move 9 miles away (thankfully CNN highlighted this one on their front page). #4 is naturally capitalism, a plague that Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro have today revealed will destroy mankind.
Numbers 5, 6, and 7 are, respectively, the "tough times" economy which is forcing zoos to turn dangerous animals loose on the streets because they can't afford to feed them, the Italian Mafia, and tainted water.
When their powers combine, these Plagues are unstoppable. You can't hide in your house, your computer or your ocean, and even your mafia friends can't be trusted. Your only chance is in here with me, behind the fire moat, with my ten thousand leftover SARS masks. Bring your own assault rifles.
Yeti Found In Russia! (On Google Maps)
Posted April 15, 2009 by Indoles Eastlund
Our comrades in Russia claim to have found the elusive Yeti's home. They used Google.
Utilizing the latest technology (8 to 10 year old, low quality imagery from Google Maps) scientists from a Russian hick town believe...
Five thousand years ago yetis settled down in this cave and now their descendants are still living here. The conditions in the cave are suitable for yeti. The cave defends them from rains, snow and wind. There is also a lake in the middle of the cave where yetis can find clean water.
After apparently seeing Yeti's footprints on the imagery, they trekked to the cave area to find TWO sets of footprints. One set was from 5,000 years ago and the other was "fresh". I'd like to know why we can never find any Yeti dung near these footprints or in these caves. Do Yetis not relieve themselves, at least occasionally, over the course of five millennia? How about some bones or hair? We could give this story more credence with ANY kind of tangible proof of actual abominable inhabitants. The scientists plan another trip this summer; however, without snow, there may be considerably less footprints in the area.
Why no pictures comrade?
They say their snowmobiles were too noisy and yetis had to hide somewhere in the forests.
Ah, of course.
Chile's Mystery Carcass
Posted February 15, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Cryptomundo has news of the latest horrifying monster to wash up on a beach in Chile. According to witnesses it had hair, wool, hooves, fins, hands, long arms, "duck membranes", jaws, four legs (in addition to the arms I guess), and teeth. As a total package, one reporter said it looked "apocalyptic".
Cryptomundo is not impressed and neither are we.
“Bipedal”? “Hands like fins”? “Some kind of extinct animal”? “Like a baboon”?
Hey, sorry to mention it, but if it looks like it is attached to the feet of a goat, the animal in question is probably a dead goat.
What these people, including the Ag folks demonstrate, once again, is that most members of the general public (especially tourists in areas they are visiting?) don’t know animals, don’t look at the parts of rotting corpses objectively, and just don’t realize that most places have dead animals (usually dogs and domestic stock) that do die around the landscape.
At least Javier was honest. He admitted in his blog that the only animal knowledge he really has is about dogs and “some turtles.” He came openmindedly to the question, looking for answers.
Too bad the agriculture services guys weren’t as forthright in acknowledging their lack of awareness about what dead domestic animals look like. What is the logic behind giving as one of your options that this carcass might be “some type of extinct creature”? Forgive me, but that’s just unbelievable.
Posted in Animals, Media Panic
Watch Out For Chicken Trucks
Posted November 28, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
You can never guess what the next stupid health scare will be. Case in point: Stay Away from Chicken Trucks! They May Spread Poultry Pathogen.
Chicken trucks carrying live chickens from farms to slaughterhouses can be a source for disease-causing bacteria for the cars traveling behind them. Drivers and motorists stuck behind such a truck should "pass them quickly," study authors say.
And at the very end of the article...
Other researchers, however, said that getting sick that way was unlikely. None of the scientists who studied this problem got sick. Most healthy people, who are not so vulnerable and have a strong immune system, don’t suffer serious illness from these bacteria even if they are exposed to them in more conventional ways.
Don't mind that though! Just add this to the list of things you already should be worrying about every time you get into a car, including toxic tire dust particles, falling bowling balls, freeway snipers, road rage, and of course pollution, animals on the road and golf carts.
Almost, but Not Yeti...
Posted October 23, 2008 by Indoles Eastlund
The Yeti has reemerged! Well, almost. A "footprint" of the mythical creature has been photographed by a team of Japanese adventurers in the Nepalese mountains that shows a very thin imprint in a patch of snow. Now, they made this amazing discovery after spending 42 days in the mountains 25,000 feet above sea level. I'm thinking they had to find something because if you walk all that way for nothing you'd look like quite the idiot.
It was about 200 metres away in silhouette. It was walking on two legs like a human and looked about 150 centimetres tall
WOW! They saw a creature that was... 4ft 11in tall? From my Yeti Studies 101 class in college, a Yeti was a massive creature that scared all (hence the term "Abominable Snowman"). Maybe these Japanese guys were intimidated by this 4'11" monstrosity but we ain't. And why do these Yeti hunters always take a picture of one footprint? Take pictures of the path this creature made in order to show something actually moved across the snow and assure us this isn't just the spot where a branch fell.
But don't fret, you Yeti hunters you; our Japanese friends are on a mission and they'll follow through.
We will come back as soon as we can, and we will keep coming back until we get the yeti on film.
Ahhhh... another blurry, grainy, distant shot of "something weird". Can't wait!
A 'Mass' Washed Ashore
Posted September 24, 2008 by Indoles Eastlund
**UPDATE**
We have pictures folks! The above selected picture is probably the "best" in that it definitely shows something very ordinary on the beach. Dead coral maybe? When I heard mass, I thought of a decomposing organic heap that resembled something, ala the Montauk Monster resembling a dead dog. This 'mass' certainly isn't the scariest thing I've seen even though Alien Worlds magazine would make you believe it's time to head for the lead-lined bunker for a few months. Nothing to see here folks other than sensationalistic media and nut jobs toting the invasion of boring ocean debris! **UPDATE**
Original Post:
To piggy-back on the recent Montauk Monster scare, New Zealand has their very own "masses" that are washing up on some beaches. Another mysterious white mass has been discovered on a beach in the lower North Island - this time Waikanae Beach on the Kapiti Coast.
Apparently, this is the fourth such mass to wash up on shore. The award winning scientists at Alien Worlds magazine claim:
...be prepared; strange things have been regularly appearing on NZ beaches over the last few months and its all building up to something that bodes ill for all of us. Mark my words.
Oh, we're marking.
Hey I've Gots a Bigfoot Too!
Posted September 08, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
Amazingly only days after two hillbillies in Georgia find a bigfoot costume stuffed with possum guts hidden in their backyard, a yokel in Tennessee has went and done gots himself a gen-you-ine bigfoot footprint in his!
Indeed, Harold Jackson ("amateur archaeologist") has found a large five-toed print embedded in solid rock and removed it to his home for presentation to the media.
"I don't know anything about archaeology or anything, but if you look at it, it's a footprint."
Given the fact that Mr. Jackson readily admits that he doesn't know anything about anything I'm not sure I entirely agree with the reporter's appraisal of him as an amateur archaeologist...maybe we can get somebody else's input?
Jackson said the fossilized print clearly shows the heel and all five toes.
"It's got to be thousands of years old," said Jackson.
OR we can just let him ramble, jot it down in our notepad while tipping our fedora in amazement, and dutifully report it to the public as news. Got any other pearls of wisdom for us?
"It was just hard for me to believe. But listen, after I found this print, there's a Bigfoot out there somewhere. I don't know what kind of Bigfoot it is, but there's a Bigfoot out there somewhere," said Jackson.
Aces, this is great stuff Jackson, keep it comin'! We gotta get this to press by morning, and I gotta call the boss! Whadda scoop, ya hear? Whadda scoop!
Why We Want To Believe
Posted August 29, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
A good read in the wake of bigfoot, chupacabra, and Montauk monster sightings in the news recently: Bigfoot, Monsters and Ghosts: Why We Want to Believe.
Monsters are everywhere these days, and belief in them is as strong as ever.
What's harder to believe is why so many people buy into hazy evidence, shady schemes and downright false reports that perpetuate myths that often have just one ultimate truth: They put money in the pockets of their purveyors.
The bottom line, according to several interviews with people who study these things: People want to believe, and most simply can't help it.
Another interesting note from the story:
"Perhaps amazingly, (paranormal beliefs) are not related at all to education," Stark said. "Ph.D.s are as likely as high school dropouts to believe in Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, ghosts, etc."
...
Today's ubiquitous and often one-sided promotional coverage of the paranormal, both on the Internet and TV, perpetuate myths and folklore as well or better than any ancient storyteller.
Fiction and belief masquerade as fact and news, feeding the 24/7 appetite of the easily swayed.
Scientists are left with an impossible task: proving something does not exist.
More Bigfoot Craziness
Posted August 18, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
The drama surrounding the Bigfoot corpse continues to take turns for the hilarious today. The Georgia boys' website has received some significant upgrades, including:
The Blogsquatcher has more details on the developing comedy:
In 2005 Biscardi announced on Coast to Coast with George Noory that he had a pair of bigfoot trapped in a cave. Less than a year later, Biscardi announced to the world that he had in his possession the hand of bigfoot. (Coincidentally, in that event, as in this one, Biscardi mischaracterized the results of the DNA testing.) Both announcements turned out to be false. We should not be surprised that now, in 2008, he's done the same thing again.
Chupacabra: Mexico's Bigfoot
Posted August 18, 2008 by Indoles Eastlund
While the DNA tests on the mythical Bigfoot have failed (shocker), the Chupacabra myth may be gaining traction once again as a border cop turned veterinarian in two seconds made this scientific discovery:
You need to record something like this because it's not everyday you find something that looks like this running around out in the middle of the county.
You don't see a dog or coyote running around the desert? Much like your average UFO video tape, the above picture is truly hard (grainy) evidence. There have been fake Chupacabras before and there will be many more to come. The reason? Well, as the folks down in DeWitt County like to put it:
It's like every good urban legend... maybe it's better to just think it is the Chupacabra and just leave it at that. |
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