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Why It Matters Part 2
Posted March 12, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
Last time we highlighted a paranoid conspiracy nut who went on a shooting spree in Washington, a suicide due to fear of the apocalypse, and paranoid delusions ruining peoples' lives.
This time around we highlight...a paranoid conspiracy nut who went on a shooting spree in Washington, a suicide pact due to fear of the apocalypse, and paranoid delusions ruining peoples' lives.
Of course we've got last week's shooting outside the Pentagon by a 9/11 conspiracy wacko. In addition to the usual trade center demolition theories, he also believed in a vast narco-criminal takeover of the U.S. government that's been operating for decades and holding back on a currency system based on marijuana (meticulously grown and guarded by the government). Luckily he was the only casualty.
Up next: a family murder/suicide pact rooted in global warming fears. Again, luckily only the two nutjobs died and their baby survived a gunshot wound to the chest.
Finally: a father accused of terrorizing and raping his family for years in expectation that Armageddon was near.
The former wife of the 51-year-old defendant testified at a hearing that he claimed to be a prophet whose apocalyptic visions drove him to try to create "pure" family bloodlines by impregnating three of his teenager daughters.
Nice. Never a shortage of these unstable freaks, and I'm willing to bet they spent vast amounts of their time reading retarded websites that reinforced their retarded beliefs.
Week Of The Apocalypse
Posted March 02, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
For whatever reason, the past week has seen more than its share of apocalyptic scare stories. It seems that with the convergence of economic woes, winter weather, and two big earthquakes, doomsayers are finding a more willing audience than usual.
Marc Faber, aka "Doctor Doom", is advising us to stock up on farmland and gold bullion in preparation for an impending World War III with China, the destruction of the internet and cellular networks, and the ensuing financial and societal meltdown.
Esteemed scholar Louis Farrakhan announced yesterday that it is time for the faithful to prepare for an unknown impending armageddon:
"It's not an accident that a great earthquake took place in Chile," Farrakhan, 76, said an hour into his three-hour address. "It was a precipitate of what I have to tell you today of what's coming to America. You will not escape."
Five architects have created city designs to prepare for the coming Global Warming Flood, and will display them at the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
It's easy to imagine an apocalyptically soggy future for New York-high waves soaking the hem of Lady Liberty's robes, flash floods roaring through subway tunnels, kayakers paddling down Wall Street...Global warming may be powerful and real, but so is denial, and the urge to postpone thinking about that particular item on the world's to-do list is almost irresistible. Coastal cities, however, don't have that luxury.
Finally, today is awash in stories about the Chilean earthquake shifting the Earth off its axis and shortening the day. Of course changes in the length of a day happen all the time with various mass shifts around the planet, and the time fractions involved are microseconds...but it sure makes for a good headline.
Freeman
Posted October 23, 2009 by Indoles Eastlund
It's not time to hand out the Panic Watch! True Genius Award just yet, but Freeman is certainly standing atop the pile.
Freeman is usually introduced Richard Dolan-style: by announcing his academic prowess and work-related feats before delving into Illuminati, corporate logos, Atlantis, and (among many, many others) chemtrails. Oh, as always, there are many things for sale and donations are highly encouraged.
Freeman graduated with an Associates of Arts with honors in Interdisciplinary Studies and attended Kansas University, specializing in ancient and environmental architecture.
Freeman has lectured extensively on Templar history, secret signs and symbolism of Freemasonry, the ancient astronaut hypothesis, trauma-based mind control, and government cover-ups.
I'd like to toss an invitation your way to purchase his latest lecture, which takes place in what can only be described as a bad Quality Inn conference room: Obama, Cloning, and the Coming Space War ($24.99). Freeman labors on about Obama's lack of American citizenship, his drawings as an elementary student that predicted our space program (shown above), and my personal favorite: how Obama is a reincarnated Pharoah. Yes, Freeman and his friend Adobe Photoshop cleverly took a pharaoh and morphed Obama's face into it. Proof if I've ever seen it.
While I'd love to continue with more of Freeman's works, they are quite lengthy and very difficult to wrap your head around in one sitting. That someone can take a tiny incident and blow it up into a full fledged conspiracy so easily is, however, quite impressive. Before you drop a couple hundred on his DVDs, be sure to check out "Anna Nicole, Britney, and Mind Control". Like it or not, Britney Spears is controlling you...
Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Nutjobs
2012: The Movie
Posted August 31, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
A new disaster movie based on the coming 2012 Mayan apocalypse? From the makers of The Day After Tomorrow??? How can we lose?????????????
Wait here's a fun game. Watch these two trailers and see if you can figure out which one is the real one. Yeah, I couldn't either.
Why It Matters
Posted June 11, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
At a Monument of Sorrow, A Burst of Deadly Violence
Guard Killed, Suspect Injured Amid Scene Of Fear, Chaos At 12:40 p.m. yesterday a man stepped through the doors of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum. He took two paces, lowered his rifle at a security guard and, before anyone could react, opened fire in a popular national landmark.
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His online book, "Kill the Best Gentiles," contains hundreds of pages of conspiracy theories that include Holocaust denial, the ancient hoax of the "Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion" and wild webs of fantasy about Jewish plotting against white people.
Congratulations assface, you killed an innocent man because you have the credulity of a five-year-old and believe one of the world's oldest hoaxes.
People often ask: "Why does it matter if people believe in conspiracy theories? Everybody believes in one or another." This is why. Go ahead and add this to modern day witch burnings and people committing suicide because of the large hadron collider. Conspiracy theories kill, my friend.
Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Nutjobs
Top Secret Food Canning
Posted May 06, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Despite the fact that the media has an endless thirst for economic doom and gloom, for some reason they are "blacking out" an imminent food shortage in the United States that will be "the greatest disaster in the country's history". At least according to FoodShortageUSA.com.
Why is a "consumer reporter" selling us two Emergency DVDs for $39.95 + s&h? I don't know. What I do know is that you can tell at a glance that FoodShortageUSA is the real deal:
Mike warns us of empty grocery shelves during the first year of Obama's administration, food riots, murders for a loaf of bread, rapings for a box of raisins, and the usual roving bands of bikers with midgets riding on their backs who'd like nothing more than to steal your carrots.
 Whoa Mike, isn't that Spanish?
He advises us to "get off the grid" ASAP and is secretly offering us his two secret videos that contain ancient food canning secrets so that you can secrete your secret food deep in your cellar and/or Y2K bunker (I'll be damned if that thing doesn't come in handy an awful lot).
You might be asking yourself what kind of food canning secrets there could possibly be at this point in our civilization. What isn't already thoroughly documented in this one-cent book from Amazon? Indeed, an unsatisfied customer on Rip-off Report says the videos may be nothing more than copies of Mormon canning tutorials.
But our team of researchers finds all the hallmarks of a great deal here. Random testimonials from First-name-Last-initials who also decided to send in a photo of themselves for some reason? Check. Order method is writing "Food Storage Secrets" on a piece of paper and sending it along with a money order? Got it. Order "within the next 11 days" for a free bonus gift? Got that too. And don't forget an affiliate program with a hot babe holding wads of cash and some random food shortage spyware toolbar for your computer that provides no content but collects your personal information.
But hey, these guys are really just looking out for you and your family; a tip of our hat to them.
Russia & China To Lead NWO
Posted April 16, 2009 by Indoles Eastlund
Russian analyst Igor Panarin has doomed America to "six-rump states" by 2011 and claims Obama will order martial law in '09.
Panarin argued that Americans are in moral decline, saying their great psychological stress is evident from school shootings, the size of the prison population and the number of gay men.
And what of our lesbian population, Igor? We're assuming he's okay with that.
The 20-minute diatribe, detailing how America will fall harder than Russia circa 1989, seems to be a cry for any glimmer of attention. Panarin ensures us that "Russia and China will become the backbones of a new world order." Not everyone hopped on board though.
It wasn't clear how persuasive the 20-minute lecture was. One instructor asked Panarin whether his predictions more accurately describe Russia, which is undergoing its worst economic crisis in a decade as well as a demographic collapse that has led some scholars to predict the country's demise. 
This isn't the first time Panarin has doomed America. In 2008, he claimed America will be engaged in a civil war... this year! We're standing by with the Union colors, Igor.
Posted in Nutjobs, Media Panic
Where Web-Bot Misses, EGG Picks Up
Posted March 25, 2009 by Indoles Eastlund
While outside watching contractors place my new Planet-X Shelter underground, I thought to myself: how are ol' Web-Bot's predictions holding up since we last posted about our favorite Bot predictor?
Web-bot doesn't seem to be doing too great this year; I'm thinking my 16-person Planet-X shelter was overkill.
Not to second guess the sage advice of Web-Bot, but I did double check with The Global Consciousness Project (also known as the EGG Project). I've been a steadfast follower of this project since their inception in 1998, back when I had AOL and a super fast 28.8kbps modem. For those not familiar, the EGG project is
...an international, multidisciplinary collaboration of scientists, engineers, artists and others. This website introduces methods, technology, and empirical results under the "Scientific Work" menu below, and gives background and interpretation under "Aesthetic View".
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Our purpose is to examine subtle correlations that may reflect the presence and activity of consciousness in the world.
While Web-bot is a single computer making predictions based on our internet usage, EGG computes "human consciousness" from random-number-generating nodes around the world, using a two-inch wide old computer part. Still confused? Well then you'd better check out this YouTube video for definitive proof of its awesomeness! Not only is EGG a Princeton University project, but NBC did a news spot! Can you be more legit?? After all the data is compiled, it's displayed in a very simple, 'aesthetic dot', which very scientifically shows us the world's consciousness, in real time.
Thankfully, it's green now. The world is normal and Web-Bot concurs.
Deal Of The Day: Ghost Repeller
Posted March 21, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
These days the latest shopping craze is the deal-a-day website: every day a hot new bargain in hot new limited quantities. Will it be a stylish dragon t-shirt? A new VR helmet? A bag filled with sticks? The anticipation is half the fun.
As usual we here at Panic Watch! attempt to ride every hip web trend as long as possible, making millions of cash dollars along the way. So in that spirit we proudly present...
 Trisaksri © Ghost Repeller
$688 + $140 shipping
Are you spending inordinate amounts of money moving from house to house to escape the wrath of ghosts? Do you "having bad dream or nightmare every day, some abnormal noise in the night, fear in the night, etc"? These problems are more common than you think, but now there's help. The Trisaksri© Ghost Repeller from Boondee industries is a revolutionary new device that eliminates ghosts and devils with advanced WAVE KILLER technology.
No, it's not a subwoofer filled with old computer parts; it's a high-end piece of cutting edge electronics. Like most paranormal equipment this machine features several lights and even a button. But where others stop...the Trisaksri just begins. It's dual voltage, takes invisible pictures, neutralizes rogue animal spirits, and will not kill your ancestors' good spirits due to advanced discriminator technology.
So wire transfer your $828.00 to Thailand today and get rid of those nasty ghouls once and for all.
Link courtesy of JREF.
Witch Hunts: Alive and Well
Posted March 13, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Good old fashioned witch burnings are alive and well in March of 2009. If you thought we, as human beings, left this kind of panic and mass hysteria behind us hundreds of years ago, here's a short list of news stories from Africa in just the past few days.
Three Mozambican brothers allegedly lynched their two uncles by burning them to death in Maputo, for apparently being witches, Televisao de Mozambique reported on Sunday.
Jeremiah, 10, stares blankly at a window, tears rolling down his burn-scarred cheeks recounting how his father doused him with petrol and set him ablaze accusing him of witchcraft.
Around a dozen phony pastors have been arrested -- one on murder charges after he confessed in a documentary film to having killed 110 child witches. He now says he killed only the witches inside the children, not the children themselves.
Twenty people have been arrested over last week’s lynching of five people in Kanunda village, Kisii District, over witchcraft allegations.
As old women, they face being hacked to death as "witches", blamed for every virus and sickness blowing across the savannah.
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"Your days are over, old woman," they said after smashing in her front door with a rock. Her granddaughter ran into the next room. "Stay there and shut up, or you will die, too," they shouted after her. Then they slashed into Shikalile's skull with machetes, and tried to cut off her hands – suggesting this was a witch-killing. Her granddaughter hid until morning, then ran for help.
It was too late. Shikalile's blood still stains the walls, and the small wooden chair where she sat in her last moments of life. Her family – huddled here for the funeral – have to sleep in this room. They have nowhere else to stay until they return to their own villages.
Witch killings are a daily event in Sukumaland. The victims are almost invariably old women, living alone.
Sibayan location chief Paul Kipyegon Koech told the court that residents were baying for Philip Chumo’s blood and urged the court to keep him in custody until the situation calmed down.
Mr Chumo, who is facing a charge of possessing charms, had been granted a Sh10,000 bond with a surety of similar amount but declined to go home fearing for his life.
Finally, an extremely disturbing video from Kenya in which five people suspected of "carrying charms" (typical evidence of witchcraft) were beaten and burned alive just days ago while the whole village watched. This video is graphic and disgusting, but a shocking reminder of the dangers of irrational mass panic. You've been warned.
Witch hunts still claim thousands of lives every year in Africa. Precise statistics are unknown but the killings appear to be on the rise rather than in decline. Superstition, lack of education, belief in supernatural powers, and economic hardship all drive this sickening phenomenon.
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