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Why It Matters Part 2
Posted March 12, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
Last time we highlighted a paranoid conspiracy nut who went on a shooting spree in Washington, a suicide due to fear of the apocalypse, and paranoid delusions ruining peoples' lives.
This time around we highlight...a paranoid conspiracy nut who went on a shooting spree in Washington, a suicide pact due to fear of the apocalypse, and paranoid delusions ruining peoples' lives.
Of course we've got last week's shooting outside the Pentagon by a 9/11 conspiracy wacko. In addition to the usual trade center demolition theories, he also believed in a vast narco-criminal takeover of the U.S. government that's been operating for decades and holding back on a currency system based on marijuana (meticulously grown and guarded by the government). Luckily he was the only casualty.
Up next: a family murder/suicide pact rooted in global warming fears. Again, luckily only the two nutjobs died and their baby survived a gunshot wound to the chest.
Finally: a father accused of terrorizing and raping his family for years in expectation that Armageddon was near.
The former wife of the 51-year-old defendant testified at a hearing that he claimed to be a prophet whose apocalyptic visions drove him to try to create "pure" family bloodlines by impregnating three of his teenager daughters.
Nice. Never a shortage of these unstable freaks, and I'm willing to bet they spent vast amounts of their time reading retarded websites that reinforced their retarded beliefs.
Week Of The Apocalypse
Posted March 02, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
For whatever reason, the past week has seen more than its share of apocalyptic scare stories. It seems that with the convergence of economic woes, winter weather, and two big earthquakes, doomsayers are finding a more willing audience than usual.
Marc Faber, aka "Doctor Doom", is advising us to stock up on farmland and gold bullion in preparation for an impending World War III with China, the destruction of the internet and cellular networks, and the ensuing financial and societal meltdown.
Esteemed scholar Louis Farrakhan announced yesterday that it is time for the faithful to prepare for an unknown impending armageddon:
"It's not an accident that a great earthquake took place in Chile," Farrakhan, 76, said an hour into his three-hour address. "It was a precipitate of what I have to tell you today of what's coming to America. You will not escape."
Five architects have created city designs to prepare for the coming Global Warming Flood, and will display them at the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
It's easy to imagine an apocalyptically soggy future for New York-high waves soaking the hem of Lady Liberty's robes, flash floods roaring through subway tunnels, kayakers paddling down Wall Street...Global warming may be powerful and real, but so is denial, and the urge to postpone thinking about that particular item on the world's to-do list is almost irresistible. Coastal cities, however, don't have that luxury.
Finally, today is awash in stories about the Chilean earthquake shifting the Earth off its axis and shortening the day. Of course changes in the length of a day happen all the time with various mass shifts around the planet, and the time fractions involved are microseconds...but it sure makes for a good headline.
Snowmageddon 2010
Posted February 08, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
The Mid-Atlantic was deluged with 24-40" of snow over the weekend, including the Panic Watch! Headquarters building near Washington DC. We've been digging ourselves out with industrial hydraulic drilling equipment, and at the same time picking off numerous looters and food scavengers from the roof with high powered rifles.
We've also collected some of the best storm-related links from the past 48 hours:
Round 2 hits tomorrow, with an estimated 10 to 20 additional inches set to drop. God help us.
Posted in Global Warming, Media Panic
Mankind's Last Throes
Posted April 25, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Well you stop posting for a few days and you nearly miss the end of the world. Frankly, I knew this would happen which is why I installed a $5,000 Aether Monitoring Station on my roof to alert me to any apocalyptic oversights. This morning it was beeping off the charts so I fired up the Drudge Report to see what was the matter.
HOLY SHIT IT'S ALL OVER NOW, MEXICO DISEASE IS FINALLY SPREADING, THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, IT'S A
Oh wait it says NOT closing the borders...well what the hell ever.
THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, 20 CONFIRMED DEATHS OVER THE SPAN OF WEEKS, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD I'M LOCKED AND LOADED AND JUST LIT MY GAS MOAT ON FIRE TRY TO GET GET THROUGH IT YOU SONS OF BITCHES JUST TRY IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
So then I scroll down a bit and find that's not all. In fact I'm pretty sure the Seven Last Plagues are starting right here, right now. #1 is of course the Mexican Pig Flu. #2 is the Cornflaker Virus starting to attack our computers, probably perpetrated by the known devil-worshipers at Kellogg's.
#3 is global warming floods destroying igloos and forcing an Eskimo village of 300 people to move 9 miles away (thankfully CNN highlighted this one on their front page). #4 is naturally capitalism, a plague that Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro have today revealed will destroy mankind.
Numbers 5, 6, and 7 are, respectively, the "tough times" economy which is forcing zoos to turn dangerous animals loose on the streets because they can't afford to feed them, the Italian Mafia, and tainted water.
When their powers combine, these Plagues are unstoppable. You can't hide in your house, your computer or your ocean, and even your mafia friends can't be trusted. Your only chance is in here with me, behind the fire moat, with my ten thousand leftover SARS masks. Bring your own assault rifles.
TICKING TIME BOMB
Posted December 15, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
I don't know what kind of nasty black tar Indoles has been shooting down there in the previous post, but not only is global warming still barreling down on us like a train, it's a full on TICKING TIME BOMB READY TO EXPLODE ON YOUR FACE. Ace AP reporter Seth Borenstein, hero to hardcore environmentalists, brings us another editorial masquerading as news along with a healthy dose of moronic scaremongering:
Obama left with little time to curb global warming
WASHINGTON (AP) — When Bill Clinton took office in 1993, global warming was a slow-moving environmental problem that was easy to ignore. Now it is a ticking time bomb that President-elect Barack Obama can't avoid.
...
Global warming is accelerating. Time is close to running out, and Obama knows it.
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Scientists are increasingly anxious, talking more often and more urgently about exceeding "tipping points."
"We're out of time," Stanford University biologist Terry Root said. "Things are going extinct."
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Gore called the situation "the equivalent of a five-alarm fire that has to be addressed immediately."
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Scientists fear that what's happening with Arctic ice melt will be amplified so that ominous sea level rise will occur sooner than they expected.
That's grade-A journalism right there! A tip of my cap to Mr. Borenstein for managing to squeeze more fearmongering into a single article than I've seen in a quite a while.
Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it's thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.
Whoa whoa whoa Seth, time to sip a nice glass of hemp juice and just calm down...we're done here.
Posted in Global Warming, Media Panic
650 Global Warming Skeptics Vs. The UN
Posted December 15, 2008 by Indoles Eastlund
The U.N. and Al Gore must be scrambling as 650 international scientists have staked their claim in the ice that global warming is not even close to the doomsday being prophesized around the globe.
The prestigious International Geological Congress, dubbed the geologists' equivalent of the Olympic Games, was held in Norway in August 2008 and prominently featured the voices and views of scientists skeptical of man-made global warming fears.
The IPCC has stated that over 90% of global warming can be attributed to man; however, the U.S. Senate report puts the number below 50%. This report is backed by 12 times the number of scientists who wrote the 2007 U.N. report.
The U.N. meetings have repeatedly warned we'll boil in our own pudding if we don't reverse the trend of global warming. Problem is, confirmed scientific data (to include data used by the quacks themselves), reveals the exact opposite is happening.
U.N. IPCC data clearly show that warming has stopped—even though its computer models said such a thing could not happen.
Interesting. The U.S. Senate report is a superb reminder that some of the most respected scientists in the world don’t buy into this scare. Maybe we shouldn't either? A couple of choice quotes:
And my favorite...
This list of skeptics grew by 250 over a period of one year and it will probably continue to grow as more scientists become tired of their field being dragged through the mud behind this runaway dead horse.
Posted in Global Warming
Alien Invasion on October 14th
Posted October 03, 2008 by Indoles Eastlund and Shakti Sombrero
The nuts riding the '2012 Doomsday' train have decided that 2012 just might be too far away. Sure, it's good for selling horrible books and other assorted crap but they need a closer date to stir things up in the meantime. Mega-mediums Blossom Goodchild and Mike Quinsey (above) claim that they...
...have been contacted by the galactic Federation of Light who have made it known that they will park their massive space ship over Alabama "in the south of your hemisphere" on October 14, and will remain there for three days.
Apparently, our intergalactic friends aren't coming to invade; they are coming to have their presence documented and allow themselves to be put on TV in one of the most exciting states in the union. Mr. Quinsey has been speaking with alien "SaLuSa" from Sirius, who has told him that they are moving their vacation up from 2012 "because of the damage being caused to the planet by man and the fact that "dark forces" remain in charge." A thinly veiled jab at President Bush and global warming? These aliens are wild and wacky!
As expected, Mrs. Goodchild did publish a book on the topic ($25), so in order to be prepared we should all probably buy it; since the world is about to descend into chaos what do you need that 25 bucks for anyway? She also suggests that the aliens are coming to pick up those that have previously "seen the light" so hopefully she can use our American money on whatever planet they end up taking her to.
Nevertheless they both state that we, as humans, are ready for this invasion. Why?
The aliens claimed that man had been prepared for their arrival - through the movies.
Hopefully Will Smith has his laughing skull virus ready to upload into the mothership or we're going to be in deep doo-doo; trust me people I've done a lot of research on this (watched that movie like 20 times).
There's more of these loons' musings (including podcasts) at the 10-14-08 blog. Don't take our word for it; hear these geniuses for yourself while you still have time.
KNOW OF THIS
WE COME TO ASSIST YOUR WORLD.
WE DO NOT COME TO TAKE OVER.
WE DO NOT COME TO DESTRUCT.
WE COME TO GIVE YOU HOPE.
We are beings from other planets, who for many eons of your time have been preparing for these days ahead.
We ask each soul that reads of these words to accept in their heart the Truth that lies within. For in that place there is the knowing that this is to take place.
There shall be many who deny. There shall be many who dismiss.
There shall be those who KNOW of this TRUTH.
Which ever you may be ... let this be understood.
IT SHALL TAKE PLACE.
On Oct 4, the infamous BJ Booth dutifully linked (from About.com) Mrs. Goodchild's YouTube video regarding this invasion and all the buzz she's received.
Global Warming Justifies Breaking Law
Posted September 13, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
 The threat of global warming is so great that campaigners were justified in causing more than £35,000 worth of damage to a coal-fired power station, a jury decided yesterday. In a verdict that will have shocked ministers and energy companies the jury at Maidstone Crown Court cleared six Greenpeace activists of criminal damage.
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The not-guilty verdict, delivered after two days and greeted with cheers in the courtroom, raises the stakes for the most pressing issue on Britain's green agenda and could encourage further direct action.
I dunno about the rest of you but I've got a ticket to London and a rucksack loaded with bolt cutters and spray paint. Time to SAVE THE PLANET!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Posted in Global Warming, Nutjobs
We Have To Eat The Meat...All Of It
Posted September 09, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
In light of the UN's IPCC head (who is, coincidentally, a vegetarian) announcing that humans eating meat is causing global warming, Panic Watch! has quickly adopted the stance that the only way to save the planet is to eat as much beef as possible (and fast).
ONLY BY EATING MASS QUANTITIES OF COWS CAN WE RID THE PLANET OF THEIR FLATULENT ILK. MCDONALD'S IS THE SOLUTION TO THE COW'S FINAL QUESTION. THEIR SWORD WILL BECOME OUR PLOW, AND FROM THE TEARS OF THE WAR THE DAILY BREAD (NOT MEAT) OF FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL GROW.
NATURE IS CRUEL; THEREFORE WE ARE ALSO ENTITLED TO BE CRUEL. WHEN I SEND THE FLOWER OF HUMAN YOUTH INTO THE STEEL HAIL OF THE WAR WITHOUT FEELING THE SLIGHTEST REGRET OVER THE PRECIOUS HUMAN BLOOD THAT IS BEING SPILLED, SHOULD I ALSO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ELIMINATE MILLIONS OF AN INFERIOR SPECIES THAT MULTIPLY LIKE VERMIN?
While we continue to develop this plan for submission to the UN (who will apparently attach their name to anything), feel free to read other analyses here, here, or here.
Posted in Global Warming
Hysterical Psuedo-religion...
Posted September 07, 2008 by Shakti Sombrero
...is how UK Minister of Environment Sammy Wilson has characterized the crusade of global warming nutcases. The BBC brings us the story with a nice photo of Sammy looking like some sort of hell-spawned hobgoblin and an analogy likening global warming to cancer.
Posted in Global Warming
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