|
How Will It All End?
Posted March 14, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
We're really into the apocalypse stuff lately. I mean, we've stockpiled literal piles of weapons, dug miles of moats and filled them with gasoline, and constructed several armored vehicles for food runs into the zombie-infested city centers. We're ready. Just wish it would get started already.
Thankfully we've now been given a glimpse of what it will look like thanks to a "progressive online think tank". Turns out it will probably be some combination of freezing, sulfur poisoning, asteroids, and black holes.
Supernova, nuclear threat, or mere cosmic abandonment, the future of the universe looks like an ugly and bleak one.
Now we're talking!
Posted in Media Panic
Week Of The Apocalypse
Posted March 02, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
For whatever reason, the past week has seen more than its share of apocalyptic scare stories. It seems that with the convergence of economic woes, winter weather, and two big earthquakes, doomsayers are finding a more willing audience than usual.
Marc Faber, aka "Doctor Doom", is advising us to stock up on farmland and gold bullion in preparation for an impending World War III with China, the destruction of the internet and cellular networks, and the ensuing financial and societal meltdown.
Esteemed scholar Louis Farrakhan announced yesterday that it is time for the faithful to prepare for an unknown impending armageddon:
"It's not an accident that a great earthquake took place in Chile," Farrakhan, 76, said an hour into his three-hour address. "It was a precipitate of what I have to tell you today of what's coming to America. You will not escape."
Five architects have created city designs to prepare for the coming Global Warming Flood, and will display them at the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
It's easy to imagine an apocalyptically soggy future for New York-high waves soaking the hem of Lady Liberty's robes, flash floods roaring through subway tunnels, kayakers paddling down Wall Street...Global warming may be powerful and real, but so is denial, and the urge to postpone thinking about that particular item on the world's to-do list is almost irresistible. Coastal cities, however, don't have that luxury.
Finally, today is awash in stories about the Chilean earthquake shifting the Earth off its axis and shortening the day. Of course changes in the length of a day happen all the time with various mass shifts around the planet, and the time fractions involved are microseconds...but it sure makes for a good headline.
Snowmageddon 2010
Posted February 08, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
The Mid-Atlantic was deluged with 24-40" of snow over the weekend, including the Panic Watch! Headquarters building near Washington DC. We've been digging ourselves out with industrial hydraulic drilling equipment, and at the same time picking off numerous looters and food scavengers from the roof with high powered rifles.
We've also collected some of the best storm-related links from the past 48 hours:
Round 2 hits tomorrow, with an estimated 10 to 20 additional inches set to drop. God help us.
Posted in Global Warming, Media Panic
Happy Halloween
Posted October 31, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Happy Halloween, folks! It's time to head up to the attic, find yourself a costume, and get scarin'.
Here's a few of our officially endorsed choices for 2009.
 Authentic Bigfoot. Check your backyard, you may already have one of these costumes sitting in that old freezer out there.  1970's-style Alien. Before little green and grey men were cool, we had these classy looking tinfoil men. Easy to make, fun to wear!
Finally we've collected our usual list of party poopers. These guys will be getting an assortment of rocks in their bags:
Seriously though, enjoy tonight, and scare a kid for us will ya?
Posted in Health Scares, Media Panic
Profundity
Posted September 01, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
"It says right here there's this new strain of swine flu that could turn into a pandemic? Like I don't know much about science, you know? I don't pretend to be an e-pee-demiologist. Sometimes I do, but you know, that's when I've had a lil whiskey.
But uh, I do know this: A word cannot be good when it's a combination of 'panic' and 'epidemic'."
- Norm Macdonald on Conan, August 31st, 2009.
Posted in Health Scares, Media Panic
Starting Flu Panic Early
Posted August 31, 2009 by Indoles Eastlund
Just about the same time malls and Wal-Marts are bringing out the holiday favors, the winter Flu scare has gotten a nice early start this year.
...flu pandemic expected to return to the USA this fall may infect as much as half the U.S. population, flooding hospitals with nearly 2 million patients and causing 30,000 to 90,000 deaths, according to the first official forecast of the scope of the flu season
WAIT! Before you kill your screen and head for the local immunization clinic, Alex Jones' Prison Planet has dutifully informed us that the Swine Flu vaccine (which they reckon will be mandated for all Americans) will contain mercury, the keystone to all vaccineaphobe arguments. Moreover, they play on the ol' heartstrings by claiming the vaccine will be tested on children
Around 12,000 U.S. children will be used as guinea pigs for the experimental swine flu vaccine also known to contain the dangerous ingredient squalene, which has been directly linked with cases of Gulf War Syndrome and a host of other debilitating diseases.
It's getting thick out there folks. I don't know what to do: grab a vaccine or a pooper-scooper.
Fist Flu
Posted August 31, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
From asciiartfarts:
Posted in Health Scares, Media Panic
Top Secret Food Canning
Posted May 06, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Despite the fact that the media has an endless thirst for economic doom and gloom, for some reason they are "blacking out" an imminent food shortage in the United States that will be "the greatest disaster in the country's history". At least according to FoodShortageUSA.com.
Why is a "consumer reporter" selling us two Emergency DVDs for $39.95 + s&h? I don't know. What I do know is that you can tell at a glance that FoodShortageUSA is the real deal:
Mike warns us of empty grocery shelves during the first year of Obama's administration, food riots, murders for a loaf of bread, rapings for a box of raisins, and the usual roving bands of bikers with midgets riding on their backs who'd like nothing more than to steal your carrots.
 Whoa Mike, isn't that Spanish?
He advises us to "get off the grid" ASAP and is secretly offering us his two secret videos that contain ancient food canning secrets so that you can secrete your secret food deep in your cellar and/or Y2K bunker (I'll be damned if that thing doesn't come in handy an awful lot).
You might be asking yourself what kind of food canning secrets there could possibly be at this point in our civilization. What isn't already thoroughly documented in this one-cent book from Amazon? Indeed, an unsatisfied customer on Rip-off Report says the videos may be nothing more than copies of Mormon canning tutorials.
But our team of researchers finds all the hallmarks of a great deal here. Random testimonials from First-name-Last-initials who also decided to send in a photo of themselves for some reason? Check. Order method is writing "Food Storage Secrets" on a piece of paper and sending it along with a money order? Got it. Order "within the next 11 days" for a free bonus gift? Got that too. And don't forget an affiliate program with a hot babe holding wads of cash and some random food shortage spyware toolbar for your computer that provides no content but collects your personal information.
But hey, these guys are really just looking out for you and your family; a tip of our hat to them.
Hey Come Back, I Need Something To Panic About
Posted May 05, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
HOW DARE YOU MAKE LIGHT OF SWINE FLU, IT'S THE PANDEMIC TO END ALL PANDEMICS! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! IT'S THE ILLUMINATI! IT'S THE REPTOIDS! IT'S...abating?
That's right, it appears Swine Flu Mania 2K9 may be dying down. Drudge has cut down the number of headlines above the fold from six million to zero. All the major news sites are now filled with stories like...
Frankly it seems a little soon--SARS and bird flu both enjoyed long runs, and we fully expected swine flu to do the same. However there's still plenty of panic out there and we'll likely see reporters scramble to any possible resurgence.
|
Top Threats!
Jan 25 - Mar 8, 2008
|
|||||||||||||||||
© 2008 Panicwatch.org