Panic Watch!

Guest column by Al Derby, self-proclaimed internet user.

Every time it happens, I keep intending to write a decent article about british Snow Panic, and then never get around to it. It's a quite hilarious phenomenon which is, as far as I can tell, unique to the British isles (where it might snow for a couple hours once every 2-3 years, bear in mind).

There was, indeed, a quarter-inch dusting of white stuff on my yard when I got up this morning; and sure enough, when I turned on the radio I was immediately buried under an avalanche of melodramatic 'news' reports concerning the closure of bus and rail services, suspension of air flights and the immobility of the road network (and to give any non-british readers an idea of how quickly Snow Panic takes hold, there was no snow at all when I went to bed about 6 hours previously).

Incidentally, I just heard that no buses are running in London and that Heathrow airport has closed one of its runways. This is being reported as if either of those things is at all unusual; as everyone knows, transport infrastructure in the capital is perfectly capable of grinding itself to a halt independently of any external influence whatsoever. But I digress:

I'm not sure whether Snow Panic is a gestalt neurosis in its own right, or if it's simply another symptom of the ingrained British terror of anything potentially more threatening than a soggy teabag. Perhaps a large majority of the british populace is genuinely unaware that there are places where it snows pretty much constantly for 6+ months of every year, yet people living there manage to get by without changing their pants on an hourly basis. But even if that is the case, it doesn't excuse the hype and scaremongering by supposed 'safety' authorities and public media, which are surely run by people who know better. I strongly suspect that there would be little or no Snow Panic were it not for the doyen of the british herd - the Almighty Teevee - trumpeting to its seven million idiot sows and their litters that they ought to be panicking.

But wait, it gets better: at no point and in no way is there ever any disclosure of what, precisely, people should be panicking about. It's as if the mere appearance of snow is a catalyst for all latent fears and insecurities to burst forth in a howling blizzard of collective pantswetting. I have, in the past, actually questioned people concerning why snow is supposedly so terrifying. Is it because you might have to drive slower? Can't hang your washing out to dry? Yetis might eat you? And nobody could manage anything close to a cogent response.

One day, perhaps, I'll get around to addressing it properly; maybe once I've worked through all the other shit people do that infuriates me beyond rational thought. But for the time being, my advice to the people of yookayland is as follows: it's just fucking weather. Get out, go to work, get on with your dismal, colourless lives and SHUT THE FUCK UP. Your country is already the laughingstock of europe for plenty of real, valid reasons; don't make it any worse by exhibiting your bovine stupidity on an international level.