Panic Watch!

Well you stop posting for a few days and you nearly miss the end of the world. Frankly, I knew this would happen which is why I installed a $5,000 Aether Monitoring Station on my roof to alert me to any apocalyptic oversights. This morning it was beeping off the charts so I fired up the Drudge Report to see what was the matter.

HOLY SHIT IT'S ALL OVER NOW, MEXICO DISEASE IS FINALLY SPREADING, THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, IT'S A

Oh wait it says NOT closing the borders...well what the hell ever.

THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, 20 CONFIRMED DEATHS OVER THE SPAN OF WEEKS, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD I'M LOCKED AND LOADED AND JUST LIT MY GAS MOAT ON FIRE TRY TO GET GET THROUGH IT YOU SONS OF BITCHES JUST TRY IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

So then I scroll down a bit and find that's not all. In fact I'm pretty sure the Seven Last Plagues are starting right here, right now. #1 is of course the Mexican Pig Flu. #2 is the Cornflaker Virus starting to attack our computers, probably perpetrated by the known devil-worshipers at Kellogg's.

#3 is global warming floods destroying igloos and forcing an Eskimo village of 300 people to move 9 miles away (thankfully CNN highlighted this one on their front page). #4 is naturally capitalism, a plague that Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro have today revealed will destroy mankind.

Numbers 5, 6, and 7 are, respectively, the "tough times" economy which is forcing zoos to turn dangerous animals loose on the streets because they can't afford to feed them, the Italian Mafia, and tainted water.

When their powers combine, these Plagues are unstoppable. You can't hide in your house, your computer or your ocean, and even your mafia friends can't be trusted. Your only chance is in here with me, behind the fire moat, with my ten thousand leftover SARS masks. Bring your own assault rifles.