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CIA: Don't Waste Our Time With UFOs
Posted March 30, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
The CIA has posted a 17-page paper on their website, explaining why it's pointless for them to study UFOs. Basically it boils down to the fact that UFO nuts wouldn't listen to anything they said anyway, so why bother.
...distrust of our government is too pervasive to make the issue amenable to traditional scientific studies of rational explanation and evidence.
Hardcore invasion believers won't even listen to scientists, let alone a bunch of government dudes in dark suits who talk in cryptic ways. Full paper at cia.gov.
Posted in Conspiracy Theories, UFOs
How Will It All End?
Posted March 14, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
We're really into the apocalypse stuff lately. I mean, we've stockpiled literal piles of weapons, dug miles of moats and filled them with gasoline, and constructed several armored vehicles for food runs into the zombie-infested city centers. We're ready. Just wish it would get started already.
Thankfully we've now been given a glimpse of what it will look like thanks to a "progressive online think tank". Turns out it will probably be some combination of freezing, sulfur poisoning, asteroids, and black holes.
Supernova, nuclear threat, or mere cosmic abandonment, the future of the universe looks like an ugly and bleak one.
Now we're talking!
Posted in Media Panic
Hadron Collider Under Attack, Again
Posted March 12, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
Oh, here's another one.
Despite the fact that the collider has been turned on several times with zero black holes created, amateur housewife physicists continue to try to muck up the works.
Previous stories on the LHC:
Posted in Scary Technology
Why It Matters Part 2
Posted March 12, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
Last time we highlighted a paranoid conspiracy nut who went on a shooting spree in Washington, a suicide due to fear of the apocalypse, and paranoid delusions ruining peoples' lives.
This time around we highlight...a paranoid conspiracy nut who went on a shooting spree in Washington, a suicide pact due to fear of the apocalypse, and paranoid delusions ruining peoples' lives.
Of course we've got last week's shooting outside the Pentagon by a 9/11 conspiracy wacko. In addition to the usual trade center demolition theories, he also believed in a vast narco-criminal takeover of the U.S. government that's been operating for decades and holding back on a currency system based on marijuana (meticulously grown and guarded by the government). Luckily he was the only casualty.
Up next: a family murder/suicide pact rooted in global warming fears. Again, luckily only the two nutjobs died and their baby survived a gunshot wound to the chest.
Finally: a father accused of terrorizing and raping his family for years in expectation that Armageddon was near.
The former wife of the 51-year-old defendant testified at a hearing that he claimed to be a prophet whose apocalyptic visions drove him to try to create "pure" family bloodlines by impregnating three of his teenager daughters.
Nice. Never a shortage of these unstable freaks, and I'm willing to bet they spent vast amounts of their time reading retarded websites that reinforced their retarded beliefs.
Week Of The Apocalypse
Posted March 02, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
For whatever reason, the past week has seen more than its share of apocalyptic scare stories. It seems that with the convergence of economic woes, winter weather, and two big earthquakes, doomsayers are finding a more willing audience than usual.
Marc Faber, aka "Doctor Doom", is advising us to stock up on farmland and gold bullion in preparation for an impending World War III with China, the destruction of the internet and cellular networks, and the ensuing financial and societal meltdown.
Esteemed scholar Louis Farrakhan announced yesterday that it is time for the faithful to prepare for an unknown impending armageddon:
"It's not an accident that a great earthquake took place in Chile," Farrakhan, 76, said an hour into his three-hour address. "It was a precipitate of what I have to tell you today of what's coming to America. You will not escape."
Five architects have created city designs to prepare for the coming Global Warming Flood, and will display them at the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
It's easy to imagine an apocalyptically soggy future for New York-high waves soaking the hem of Lady Liberty's robes, flash floods roaring through subway tunnels, kayakers paddling down Wall Street...Global warming may be powerful and real, but so is denial, and the urge to postpone thinking about that particular item on the world's to-do list is almost irresistible. Coastal cities, however, don't have that luxury.
Finally, today is awash in stories about the Chilean earthquake shifting the Earth off its axis and shortening the day. Of course changes in the length of a day happen all the time with various mass shifts around the planet, and the time fractions involved are microseconds...but it sure makes for a good headline.
Snowmageddon 2010
Posted February 08, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
The Mid-Atlantic was deluged with 24-40" of snow over the weekend, including the Panic Watch! Headquarters building near Washington DC. We've been digging ourselves out with industrial hydraulic drilling equipment, and at the same time picking off numerous looters and food scavengers from the roof with high powered rifles.
We've also collected some of the best storm-related links from the past 48 hours:
Round 2 hits tomorrow, with an estimated 10 to 20 additional inches set to drop. God help us.
Posted in Global Warming, Media Panic
12-year-old Vaccine-Autism Paper Retracted
Posted February 08, 2010 by Shakti Sombrero
In case you missed it, last week The Lancet retracted its 1998 paper about a link between vaccines and autism. This story has served as the bedrock for much of the vaccine quack argument for the past decade.
Now that it's been pulled out from under them like a rug, what do they have to say?
Jim Moody, a director of SafeMinds, a parents' group that advances the notion the vaccines cause autism, said the retraction would strengthen Dr. Wakefield's credibility with many parents.
"Attacking scientists and attacking doctors is dangerous," he said. "This is about suppressing research, and it will fuel the controversy by bringing it all up again."
Legitimately evaluating a controversial theory to make sure it stands up to scrutiny is "suppressing research"? Makes no sense to me, but what do I know? I've been brainwashed by the medical establishment.
Happy Halloween
Posted October 31, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
Happy Halloween, folks! It's time to head up to the attic, find yourself a costume, and get scarin'.
Here's a few of our officially endorsed choices for 2009.
 Authentic Bigfoot. Check your backyard, you may already have one of these costumes sitting in that old freezer out there.  1970's-style Alien. Before little green and grey men were cool, we had these classy looking tinfoil men. Easy to make, fun to wear!
Finally we've collected our usual list of party poopers. These guys will be getting an assortment of rocks in their bags:
Seriously though, enjoy tonight, and scare a kid for us will ya?
Posted in Health Scares, Media Panic
Freeman
Posted October 23, 2009 by Indoles Eastlund
It's not time to hand out the Panic Watch! True Genius Award just yet, but Freeman is certainly standing atop the pile.
Freeman is usually introduced Richard Dolan-style: by announcing his academic prowess and work-related feats before delving into Illuminati, corporate logos, Atlantis, and (among many, many others) chemtrails. Oh, as always, there are many things for sale and donations are highly encouraged.
Freeman graduated with an Associates of Arts with honors in Interdisciplinary Studies and attended Kansas University, specializing in ancient and environmental architecture.
Freeman has lectured extensively on Templar history, secret signs and symbolism of Freemasonry, the ancient astronaut hypothesis, trauma-based mind control, and government cover-ups.
I'd like to toss an invitation your way to purchase his latest lecture, which takes place in what can only be described as a bad Quality Inn conference room: Obama, Cloning, and the Coming Space War ($24.99). Freeman labors on about Obama's lack of American citizenship, his drawings as an elementary student that predicted our space program (shown above), and my personal favorite: how Obama is a reincarnated Pharoah. Yes, Freeman and his friend Adobe Photoshop cleverly took a pharaoh and morphed Obama's face into it. Proof if I've ever seen it.
While I'd love to continue with more of Freeman's works, they are quite lengthy and very difficult to wrap your head around in one sitting. That someone can take a tiny incident and blow it up into a full fledged conspiracy so easily is, however, quite impressive. Before you drop a couple hundred on his DVDs, be sure to check out "Anna Nicole, Britney, and Mind Control". Like it or not, Britney Spears is controlling you...
Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Nutjobs
Chicago Survives 9/22
Posted September 23, 2009 by Shakti Sombrero
BREAKING: The city of Chicago survives to see another day after nearly being NUKED by the government!
The website 922warning.com appeared just over a week ago, warning that such an event was likely. While the site does present some some hard-hitting facts (such as "9/22/2009 is the first day of fall" and "9/22/2009 is a Tuesday, as was 9/11/2001"), and a bandwidth-efficient design, apparently their sources were flawed.
Posted in Conspiracy Theories
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