Panic Watch!

What better way to end the traditional blogger dead-spell than with the scariest story imaginable: Panic over 'penis snatching' sorcerers. Yes, times are tough. You can't even walk along a Congolese street these days without some sorcerer or another using voodoo on your wang.

Thankfully most of the sorcerers (thirteen of them) have been rounded up and put behind bars. No word if the missing penises have been found yet, but the search WILL continue.

Almost every shark attack generates a media feeding frenzy that any school of sharks would envy. The recent death of a diver off the Florida coast is no exception. Various media outlets have reported it as a horrific maiming by a vicious killing machine, but former jounalist and current diver Christopher Chin exposes the truth.

He continues:

Read the rest of this depressing article here.

The latest Panic Rankings have been posted, covering the month of February plus a little extra on both ends. Mad cow disease was the top mover thanks to a new case discovered in Canada (which the Canadian Food Inspection Agency has repeatedly said is expected...these are sporadic residual cases as Canada moves to eradicate the disease completely within a decade) along with the videotaped cow abuse in the U.S.

Other scary movers for the month included the flu and salmonella. Falling out of the spotlight last month were bird flu (although we're still warned not to be complacent!), MRSA, nuclear waste, and cell phones.

Check the full chart to see what's new with the same old scares!

The U.S. Court of Federal Claims' decision to pay a family for their daughter's autistic symptoms, which they claim were caused by vaccines, is being heralded around the quack community as a divine gift--something like Christmas, a birthday, and New Years all rolled into one.

Government officials can try to downplay this as much as they want but it won't stop the celebration.

In time, the specifics of this case will be twisted or ignored completely and it will become just another bulleted item on every chelation/mercury/anti-vaccination website trying to sucker people into a bogus medical treatment or activist campaign.

You don't have to take my word for it; it's already starting.

SafeMinds has posted 4 links to versions of the story, transcripts of a Don Imus radio interview, and an official press release of their own:

Only problem is there wasn't any evidence presented here. "The family filed a claim with the federal vaccine compensation program in 2002, which the government ultimately decided to concede before any evidentiary hearing."

Numerous recent studies have shown no link between vaccines and autism. But sadly these will all be ignored in favor of a high-profile court case.

If you're looking for a high quality portable guide to media panic (and who the hell isn't?) check out Panicology, a new book by statisticians Simon Briscoe and Hugh Aldersey-Williams. The book takes a hard look at over forty of today's latest and greatest scare stories and cuts through the nonsense with critical thinking and a bit of wit. In places the book is a tad UK-centric but most of the topics apply to us all--because they're the same damn ones that fill newspapers the world over on a daily basis. Superbugs. Crime. Nanotechnology. Frankenfoods. Overpopulation and alien invaders. It's all here folks.

The book also examines why we, as humans, can't seem to get enough of this stuff and want to blame ourselves for all of it.

The media doesn't get a free ride either.

Even if you don't agree with every conclusion they draw, the authors are straight shooters with a good sense of humor. From the cover art featuring a spacesuit-clad man feeding pigeons, to a "panic scale" for each topic consisting of headless blood-squirting chickens, if you like Panic Watch! I'm pretty sure you'll like Panicology too.

We all know some people with pretty big buckets (many of them overflowing). So the next time one of them runs into the office waving the latest headline, sit them down with the appropriate chapter of this book and start that poor soul down the road of recovery.

It's always fun when the media gets hold of a juicy-sounding study and runs with it, regardless of the source. Take for example, Spanking Kids Increases Risk Of Sexual Problems As Adults.

Professor Murray Straus claims that children who are spanked are more likely to eventually force sex from their partners, to not use condoms, and to have masochistic sex.

According to the article, Murray Straus is "co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire". Sounds like an unbiased, reputable researcher. But Straus is actually a devout anti-spanking activist who has written articles for over a decade trying to scare parents away from spanking. Another article even quotes him admitting it:

Yes, it's always good to come into a study with "underlying motives."

According to him, spanking will make your children violent, antisocial, stupid...and now sadomasochistic and condom-hating as well. As you'd imagine his work is a nothing too intensive; passing out surveys to college students about their childhood punishments and current sexual habits does not a great study make. And even then the statistical risk increases are insignificant.

Finally, correlation does not equal causation. There may be some link between spanked kids and questionable sexual practices, but why does it have to be the former causing the latter? Might not kids who are irresponsible and misbehave (and therefore get spanked a lot) continue to be irresponsible and misbehave as they move through adolescence and on to college? Seems plausible to me.

Here's a good example of two very different media interpretations of the same study.

The scenario: 118 elderly people were given either Ginkgo Biloba or a placebo. 14 placebo people and 7 Ginkgo people developed memory problems. 7 Ginkgo people also had "mini-strokes" while no placebo people did (it should be noted here that Ginkgo has been reported to cause bleeding problems but the mini-strokes observed were from blood clotting, not excessive bleeding).

The numbers don't seem too impressive but let's see what the media has to say:

Ivanhoe Newswire:

Now check out this version from Foodconsumer.org:

WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE? Which is it? It is bad for me or good for me? The problem here (as usual) is that the study conclusions are weak to none.

The researchers found both: "In unadjusted analyses, ginkgo biloba extract (GBE) neither altered the risk of progression from normal to Clinical Dementia Rating (CDR) = 0.5, nor protected against a decline in memory function." So article #1 is technically correct. "Secondary analysis taking into account medication adherence showed a protective effect of GBE on the progression to CDR = 0.5 and memory decline." So article #2 is also technically correct.

Final conclusion? "Results of larger prevention trials taking into account medication adherence may clarify the effectiveness of GBE. More stroke and TIA cases observed among the GBE group requires further study to confirm."

Nothing definite here, so you're free to read into it whatever you want.

In wake of record cold temperatures around the world in January and February, the CBC reminds us that global warming is still something to worry about!

It used to be that a pristine blanket of snow was the archetypal image of purity. Walking through falling snowflakes was fun and romantic. And as long as you watched out where the Huskies went, you could even eat the stuff without feeling guilty.

But no longer. Reports are rolling off the presses that bacteria is the main ingredient in snowflakes. You might argue that water is probably still the "main" ingredient, or that these bacteria only hurt tomato and bean plants. But we argue that if you've somehow survived touching snow up to this point, you're a walking miracle.

Children are most at risk from snow since they are naturally drawn to its fun appearance. And since Panic Watch! is never one to sit back and let your children suffer, we've developed a list of helpful hints to get you and your family through the rest of the winter.

• Construct a series of underground tunnels leading from your home to common destinations (school, grocery store, etc).
• Call your child's teacher and request that they be sequestered in a closet or other windowless room during recess if snow is present on the school grounds.
• Get your children on a regimen of powerful antibiotics ASAP in case they come into contact with snow while at school against your orders.
• Prepare an Emergency Snow Drill and rehearse several times per week.
• Young children should be comforted and reassured after seeing weather reports about snow storms. Remember, YOU are their protector!
• Do not allow your child to watch movies and television shows which glamorize snow play, such as Snow Day, Snow Dogs, Frosty The Snowman, and most other Christmas movies.

With a little common sense and a lot of vigilance, we can all make it through this one together.

Uh Oh... what are all the moon landing conspiracy theorists going to do when the winners of the Google Moon X-Prize land a robot on the surface of the moon and actually SEE all the equipment left by the Apollo missions? Well, that isn't one of the prize criterion to win the $20 million, but I'm sure they will attempt to land near the mission's remains in order to finally put one of the dumbest conspiracy theories to rest... forever.

There hasn't been an outcry (yet) that these private entrepreneurs will be corrupted by the government and beam back a 'fake' moon-cast; but we at Panic Watch! will be standing by to bring you the latest crap as the Google Moon X-Prize rolls along.